What is sexuality?
Sexuality refers to who someone is attracted to, whether that be romantically, physically, emotionally, or some combination!
Sexuality isn't set in stone
It's important to understand that sexuality, just like gender, is a spectrum. While there are people on either end of that spectrum, there are also people who lie in-between, and that's okay! Sexuality is also fluid, meaning that it can change over time - that's okay too! You are allowed to have your preferences, and you are allowed for your preferences to change over time - it doesn't make you any less part of the LGBTQ+ community!
Clarifying the terms...
Heterosexual/straight - describes someone who is only attracted to the opposite gender
Gay - an umbrella term to describe someone who is not straight, typically used to describe men who are attracted to men
Lesbian - describes women who are attracted to women
Bisexual - describes someone who is attracted to people of the same gender and of the opposite gender
Pansexual - describes someone who is attracted to people of any/all gender identities
Omnisexual - describes someone who's attraction to others is not limited to people of a particular gender
Demisexual - describes someone who only experiences sexual attraction after forming an emotional connection
Asexual - an umbrella term to describe someone who experiences little/no sexual attraction towards others
Gay - an umbrella term to describe someone who is not straight, typically used to describe men who are attracted to men
Lesbian - describes women who are attracted to women
Bisexual - describes someone who is attracted to people of the same gender and of the opposite gender
Pansexual - describes someone who is attracted to people of any/all gender identities
Omnisexual - describes someone who's attraction to others is not limited to people of a particular gender
Demisexual - describes someone who only experiences sexual attraction after forming an emotional connection
Asexual - an umbrella term to describe someone who experiences little/no sexual attraction towards others
Pansexual vs Bisexual
Pansexual, often shortened to "pan," is defined as describing someone who is attracted to any/all gender identities, while bisexual, often shortened to "bi," is defined as describing someone who is attracted to people of the same gender and of the opposite gender. These two identities do not mean the exact same, but some people are comfortable with using them interchagably - it just depends on your individual preference!
Bisexuality often has different meanings for different individuals. For some, it means an attraction to two or more genders, or multiple genders. For others, it means an attraction to those of the same gender and those of the opposite.
The same is true of pansexuality - the precise definition depends on the individual. Many pansexual individuals describe their sexuality as being attracted to someone's personality over their gender. However, it's important to remember that being pansexual does not mean that someone is attracted to everyone of every gender, just as being a straight man does not mean that you are attracted to every woman.
Bisexuality often has different meanings for different individuals. For some, it means an attraction to two or more genders, or multiple genders. For others, it means an attraction to those of the same gender and those of the opposite.
The same is true of pansexuality - the precise definition depends on the individual. Many pansexual individuals describe their sexuality as being attracted to someone's personality over their gender. However, it's important to remember that being pansexual does not mean that someone is attracted to everyone of every gender, just as being a straight man does not mean that you are attracted to every woman.
Common Myths about being Bi and Pan
From GLAAD.org
- Being bi or pan is just a phase before coming out as gay or lesbian; you're just confused.
- False! It’s true that some people identify as bisexual or pansexual before later identifying as something different, just as some people identify as straight before coming out as LGBT. Other people identify as gay or lesbian before coming out as bi or pan. Bisexuality and pansexuality are unique because they recognize the often fluid nature of romantic, emotional, and sexual attraction, but this does not make them any less legitimate than other sexual orientations. For the vast majority of people, it is not a phase, and anyone who identifies as bi or pan deserves to have that identity respected.
- All women are bi or pan, while no men are.
- False! Making an overwhelming generalization about the sexual orientation of an entire gender of people is irresponsible because it dismisses the individual experience and self-identity of each person in that category. For example, some women are exclusively attracted to men, some are mentally but not physically attracted to other women, and some are attracted to both women and men equally. Similarly, some men are exclusively attracted to women, some are mentally but not physically attracted to other men, and some are attracted to both equally. Declaring that a person’s sexual orientation does not exist makes that person invisible. Every person’s romantic inclinations and identifiers are unique and valuable, and they deserve respect.
- You can't identify as pan or bi unless you've been in a relationship with people of different gender identities.
- False! Many people know they are bisexual or pansexual before they are ever in a relationship, just as many people know they are gay or straight at young ages. It is not necessary to have romantic experience with both genders or either gender before identifying as bi or pan. Moreover, when a bisexual or pansexual person gets married, their orientation does not change.
- You can't identify as bi or pan unless you like different gender identities equally.
- False! Some bi and pan people are overwhelmingly attracted to men and occasionally attracted to women. Some bi and pan people are overwhelmingly attracted to women and occasionally attracted to men. Some prefer to date genderqueer or gender non-conforming partners. The spectrum of bisexual and pansexual people includes all kinds of individual preferences. The only thing that bi and pan people have in common is that they are attracted to people of more than one gender.
- Bisexual and pansexual people are promiscuis, polygamous, and/or immoral.
- False! Many bi and pan people are in loving, committed, monogamous relationships with one person. Many bi and pan people eventually get married. Bi and pan people are not any more likely to engage in multiple relationships at one time than straight or gay people are. Bi and pan people are not immoral, deceiving, or less safe than people of other orientations. Being bi or pan has to do with who a person is attracted to, but has nothing to do with how they date or what kinds of relationships they prefer.
- Being bisexual is transphobic because it implies you only like men and women.
- False! Bisexual people are not any more likely to oppress the transgender community than straight or gay people are. Many bisexual people are strong allies to transgender people, seeing commonalities between the fluidity of sexual orientation and the fluidity of gender. Many bisexual people are transgender, and many date transgender people. The word “bisexual” refers simply to people who are not monosexual: they are not attracted exclusively to members of the opposite sex, and they are not attracted exclusively to members of their same sex.
- When someone who is bi or pan is dating someone of the same gender, then they're gay, and if they're dating someone of the opposite gender, then they're straight.
- False! Dating someone of the same or opposite gender does not change your sexuality. If you are a bisexual woman dating a man, you don't "become" straight - you're still bisexual. If you're a pansexual man dating a man, you don't "become" gay - you're still pansexual. The gender of the individual you're dating does not automatically determine your sexuality when you are attracted to more than one gender.
What's up with "Queer"
Once used as a derogatory term, "queer" is now a term that has been reclaimed by the LGBTQ+ community, serving as an umbrella term for anyone who is not straight or cisgender. However, individual people in the community have differing levels of comfort surrounding this term, so it's important to be mindful of that. Below are three LGBTQ+ folks' perspectives on the term "queer," from an interview from them.us.
Tai Farnsworth, writer (she/her)
Growing up, I identified as bisexual. While I’m still comfortable with that term, it doesn’t encapsulate the nuance of my sexuality. “Queer” feels better for me, because what I truly am is bisexual and homoromantic.
Here’s what that means. While I find cisgender men attractive, I am not authentically me when I date them. For me, “bisexual” means being sexually attracted to all genders and gender expressions, but “homoromantic” means I only have romantic feelings in queer relationships. Because this is a little complex, I just say “queer.”
Steven “Z” Patton, community activist and public speaker (he/she/they)
Identities are personal, but they are also how we advertise ourselves, so they are often very circumstantial, too. For example, I’m queer, trans, non-binary, and Mexican, and this is how I’d express myself to a partner. But when talking to someone with whom I have a rocky relationship, I’ll simply be a “gay male.”
I’m 33. When I was a kid, “queer” was a pejorative. The neighborhood kids played a game called “smear the queer.” You’d toss a football back and forth, and whoever caught it was the “queer” for everyone to tackle. So yes, queer-bashing was literally a childhood ritual.
In middle school, kids followed me home calling me “queer,” “fag,” and more. As an adult, I've been harassed with these same slurs. So I understand why generations before me balk at the word.
That said, I know how empowering it feels to reclaim words that have been used to harm us, and I appreciate “queer” specifically because it has always carried a sense of undefined abstractness. Even as a slur, the word described those who exist outside of what society mandates, so it’s fitting that the term now defies all restrictions of love and self that the world has placed on us.
Daniel Reynolds, Social Media Editor at The Advocate (he/him)
As a synonym for “not straight,” “queer” is a great umbrella word for a wide variety of people across a spectrum of sexual orientations and gender identities. I love the inclusivity of the term, but for myself, I prefer “gay” for its specificity.
“Gay” clearly communicates that I am a man who is interested in other men. Moreover, my preference for "gay" speaks to my age. I'm 33, and “queer” wasn't widely used when I was coming out. I think you'll find an inverse correlation between age and comfort with the “queer” label.
Previous generations have a strong aversion to the term. As The Advocate's social media editor, I routinely observe a backlash to “queer” (when it's used in a headline, for example) from older gay men who only know the word as a slur. This is part of the term's history — it was (and still is) a word used to hurt us that has been reclaimed.
Reclamation is powerful, but I also understand how those who lived through some of the darkest days of legal and societal discrimination are not comfortable using a slur that was sometimes used alongside physical violence in a celebratory way. Its usage, even in LGBTQ spaces, is triggering to some people.